Everything you need to know about Trader Joe's new bottled cocktails

Are you feeling lost without a drink at your local bar? Do you want a mixed drink without having to buy a whole bottle of whiskey? Do you even own a cocktail shaker? Are you just kind of lazy? (We are.) The answer to all of these questions just might be Trader Joe's new ready-to-drink cocktails. Yes, your favorite purveyor of Two Buck Chuck is back in the alcohol game after a "meh" response to its hard seltzers, and get ready because you're going to need to watch your impulse-buying habits at TJ's even more now (via Inside Hook).

Trader Joe's just announced the release of two bottled cocktails that, according to VinePair, are now available in 12 states: a Whiskey Sour and an Old Fashioned. According to the grocery chain, the pre-mixed bevvies are made from a "small, craft distiller" with bourbon. In a classically mysterious fashion, TJ's does not reveal the identity of the distiller, but consider us tempted by its description of the Old Fashioned, which is "deliciously balanced between the sweetness of muddled sugar and caramel notes of Bourbon, and the citric zest of orange and bite of aromatic bitters."

Details and mysteries of Trader Joe's ready to drink cocktails

The cocktails come in embellished 750 milliliter bottles, and, VinePair tells us, are 35 percent alcohol by volume — so tread lightly, living room drinkers. The Old Fashioned is a classic blend of whiskey, cane sugar, and orange bitters, while the Whiskey Sour is whiskey, cane sugar, lemon juice and, in a little twist, lemon oil and a "custom blend" of spiced orange bitters, "to give it a unique edge," TJ's says. The grocery chain recommends just serving the bottle cocktails over ice, or a little sparking water and a garnish. So easy. Too easy?

The product announcements on the TJ's website also come with a funny (and maybe even a little bit passive aggressive?) disclaimer: "NOTE: Since posting, the details of this item may have changed due to fluctuating market prices, federal regulations, currency rates, drought, bandits, rush hour traffic, filibusters, zombie apocalypse, punctilious product developers... Contact our Crew for current price and availability." We're not really sure what to make of this, but it's probably best to double check with your local Trader Joe's before you put on your going-out sweatpants for a trip to the store. Bottom's up!