Things You Should Never Order At A Bar

My first actual bartending job, other than picking up occasional shifts from the place where I was a waitress, was at an Irish pub a block outside of Times Square. Yes, that Times Square. The joint was always packed with visitors from around the world, and confusingly misguided locals (who perhaps were just there to hit on the visitors from around the world). '

The harsh judgement I relegated to my many patrons, however was not due to their country of origin, but rather to how they handled themselves in a bar. (And whether or not they asked me to change the music — though if you were a bearded guy, and had a Scottish accent, chances are I said yes.) Think you're the master of your bar domain? Check in to see if you're making any of these grievous bar-ordering faux pas.

Here are the assumptions we make about you when you sidle up to a bar and order a Long Island iced tea. First, we assume the doorman did not properly check your ID, since you just ordered a drink that's the typical order of a 14- year-old trying to get served at his aunt's wedding. Also, we assume you're looking to get trashed, quickly and cheaply. Not exactly a combo we like sitting at our bar.

Worse are the people who don't realize what they are even ordering... so let's be clear. In a Long Island iced tea, you're getting every cheap, clear liquor from the bar's speed rail — vodka, gin, rum, tequila, and triple sec. Add to that a splash of cola, and some sour mix. That's it. Notice what it doesn't have? Iced tea. If you're that determined to get wasted, order a bourbon neat and a beer chaser. At least you'll look cool drinking it.

Do me, yourself, and anyone who will ever come to know you a favor, and learn this one rule about going to a bar. Unless you see it buzzing and swirling around in a colorful machine behind the bartender's head, for the love of Christmas, do not order a frozen drink. Ever. Expecting your bartender to bust out an entire kitchen appliance to make you an alcohol smoothie that will be loaded with everything under the sun EXCEPT for fresh fruit is the height of bar-going bad etiquette.

If the bartender at your local bar has been telling you the blender is "broken" for the past two years, and you're wondering why they don't get around to fixing it, believe me, it's not them, it's you.

When I had just turned 21, my senior year of college in Boston, all I knew about drinking was warm keg beer, boxed white zinfandel, and a purple alcoholic grape soda called Purple Passion that our local bodega was willing to sell us. Even though I had been working in restaurants since I was 16, ordering from a bartender was a bewildering experience, and I settled this dilemma by deciding I should pick one cocktail and stick with it. For some bizarre reason only my therapist could decipher, I settled on Blue Hawaiians.

The Blue Hawaiian's mix of blue curacao, rum, pineapple juice, and sweetened coconut cream was deceptively sweet, and it screamed "I only just became old enough to do this, and I am scared." Sub any other sickly sweet, cutesy named drink in here. Fuzzy Navels, Sex on the Beach, Sloe Comfortable Screws...you get the idea. A good rule of thumb? When a drink calls for juices that don't appear on that bar's regular menu, don't order it.

In my later bartending days, when I saw the brown color of the pineapple juice that came out of those teeny cans kept in deep storage in the basement for who-knows how long, my stomach churned thinking of all those Blue Hawaiians I consumed in college.

Look, I get it, you're out for a night with your friends, and you need to stick to a budget. That's fair. But you don't exactly want to scream out "I don't plan to tip you." So let me help you out here. The cheapest drinks in a bar are going to be the domestic (American) beers in a can or on tap. Next up we have the well drinks — that's the cheapest basic booze behind the bar, mixed with soda. We might charge you more for the juice mixers, depending on the bar.

A better question to ask the bartender is "do you have any drink specials?" Your barkeep will understand you are looking for a good value, and might direct you to the PBR cans and a shot of whiskey special, or perhaps a specific liquor brand is running a promotion for the night.

One trick I use when trying to not drink too much is to ask for a mixed drink, like a vodka and soda, in a tall glass. I'm not requesting more alcohol, just more soda water so my drink lasts longer. No matter what you order, though, it's NEVER acceptable to not tip, and you should tip per drink. So figure that into your budget, and really dig into those couch cushions before you head out for the evening.