Bizarre Things These Restaurants Make Their Employees Do
So you decided to muster the courage and take the leap into the wonderfully chaotic world of the restaurant industry. You check all the boxes indicating you're a perfect fit. You enjoy working with people, you have a slam dunk personality, and there's no amount of stress you can't handle. Why would your newly discovered hospitality career be anything but stellar?
But first, you must carefully choose which establishment is worthy of an award-winning personality like yours. It doesn't make any sense to work somewhere you wouldn't recommend to friends and family, so choose wisely. Prepare to learn that menu inside and out, and you better know which kind of wine pairs well with steak (Hint: It's a full-bodied red).
However, in many restaurants, it's not only the food and beverage knowledge that requires mastery. Every place has a particular experience they want all guests to enjoy so that upon leaving, they'll sing praises to everyone they know and schedule their return visit sooner than later. This means employees must go above and beyond to make it happen, no matter how unconventional — or even absurd — that experience is.
Listen, not everyone is cut out for the restaurant industry, but those who are better pull up those bootstraps and, depending on where they work, prepare to cater to the customer in ways they never thought possible. Welcome to restaurant life, friend.
Admit it: You've always wanted to belittle your customers
One thing you quickly learn about the restaurant industry when you join it is how often you want to look a difficult customer in the face and scream. Alas, a reaction like that is a one-way ticket to unemployment, so best to bite your tongue, take a deep breath, and force a smile, no matter how disingenuous it feels. As the saying goes: The customer is always right. Unless, however, you serve up food with a side of verbal abuse at Dick's Last Resort.
Here, employees don't bite their tongues. They sharpen them up so they're locked and loaded to sling insults at customers who dine at one of their many locations around the country. As a server, you're not trained to politely ask for a patrons order. You're trained to look them dead in the eyes and demand, "What the f*** do you want, b****?" Dig deep to harness your inner jerk, and unleash it with full force.
Is a certain customer giving you a hard time? Don't let them get away with it. Instead, put them on blast by forcing a paper dunce cap on their head. Make sure it reads something like, "I've given more people crabs than Red Lobster," scrawled in black marker.
At Dick's Last Resort, it's you who's right. Screw the customer.
Nudity and sushi become one when you dabble in nyotaimori
It takes a certain kind of person to work in an industry requiring nudity. Many of us are self-conscious about our bodies, but there are some who want to flaunt it all without a care in the world. Going the route of strip club dancer might be a little too intimidating, so what other options do we have? Lucky for us, the concept of nyotaimori exists, and what a unique concept it is.
You don't just have to love the taste and smell of sushi to enter the fascinating world of nyotaimori. You have to garner the courage to lie completely motionless and silent for long periods of time while patrons enjoy nigiri and sashimi straight off your bare skin. If chosen as a human sushi platter, you need to practice breathing techniques to ensure those succulent little morsels of oceanic flavor don't tumble off onto the floor. During nyotaimori, you're seen, not heard. But, a lot of you is seen.
It's an experience unlike anything else. No matter what conversation flows around you, you cannot react. Surely, if an inanimate dinner plate reacted poorly to an off-color joke, a shocking admitted truth, or someone confessing their wildest fantasy, it wouldn't be used again. With nyotaimori, you are the dinner plate, and you're expected to allow guests to dine in a non-judgmental comfort zone.
Harness your inner quarterback at the Home of the Throwed Rolls
Okay, so that lucrative career path into the NFL didn't exactly pan out the way you wanted. Maybe your 40-yard dash wasn't quite up to par. Or maybe you couldn't hack it going toe to toe with a 350-pound linebacker. Instead of putzing around the living room fantasizing about throwing a game-winning Hail Mary at the next Super Bowl, land yourself a job at Lambert's Cafe.
Every employee here practices their roll-throwing technique until they hit the floor live, ready to launch a buttery biscuit into the awaiting hands of any patron who summons the spirit of a wide receiver. This unique way of breading tables came about years ago when a server couldn't find an accessible way through the room, so the guest instructed them to simply throw a roll their way. After pinpoint accuracy landed the freshly baked treat in their arms, other guests craved the same athleticism out of servers, and so began the "Home of the Throwed Rolls." However, throwing food from across a room doesn't come without its potential dangers, so do well by your employer to avoid an injury lawsuit (whoops!).
Sure, you'll never win a Super Bowl, but at Lambert's Cafe, you will get a chance to overhand-throw hot rolls fresh from the oven to hungry guests. And it's their butterfingers that need worrying about.
Are you a gangster or a flapper? You'll fit right in.
If you haven't seen the film The Untouchables, do yourself a favor and add it to your Netflix queue. If you've had the viewing pleasure, you know there's just something about that 1920s-era Chicago gangster life that seems so... cool. Al Capone ran Chicago's crime syndicate with an iron fist, and if the desire to experience all the Chicagoan action of the Roaring Twenties burns in you, a staff spot at Tommy Gun's Garage beckons (but please, leave your Tommy gun at home).
The only way to truly feel like part of the gangster and flapper action is to work where it all actually went down. If you live in Chicago and have a knack for stage life, make submitting an application happen in your near future. You'll have to sing and dance your way into the payroll, but once you secure a spot, you get to deliver "live comedy and dangerous fun" night after night to eager guests.
Make sure to learn your lines, hit those dance numbers, and conceal your hooch (booze) if the cops spring an alcohol bust on the place. This is the '20s, after all, and the last person you want to piss off is "da boss."
Promote unhealthy eating with pride
Modern science and research gives us absolute proof about the kinds of food we should consume regularly and which ones to avoid at all costs. It seems like every day some new diet trend sweeps the nation, and people jump aboard the bandwagon to attain those defined arms and chiseled abs. But at the Heart Attack Grill, you're required to instruct patrons to check their health concerns at the door.
As an employee, you dress as a nurse or doctor while on the job (don't worry, no actual degree required), and you promote burgers named after serious heart complications. Sure, your guests would never want to actually endure a quadruple bypass surgery, but the burger by the same name needs someone's appetite to conquer it. And, if you serve a patron who clocks in at 350 pounds or more on their cattle scale, they dine for free.
If you have a problem pumping customers full of saturated fat and alarmingly high caloric counts, consider working somewhere else that serves a kale-heavy menu. If you don't, then get ready for guests who successfully dominate the quadruple bypass burger to plop themselves down in a wheelchair for a push out to their vehicle. Arterial blockage-shaming is so a thing of the past.
Serve a multi-course meal while you battle vertigo
As a chef, it's always difficult to prep for a shift. You need to anticipate every technical problem, consider every dietary restriction, and motivate a kitchen employee (or two) who isn't giving their all to the food. At least if something does go awry, the kitchen's just a few feet away, so you can handle any unfolding situation like MacGyver. When a fully stocked kitchen is not accessible though, the game changes.
Running a meal with Dinner In The Sky means you're absolutely sure you haven't forgotten any ingredients, your mise en place is on point, and you're comfortable dangling over 100 feet in the air while tending to guests with a vertigo-less smile slapped across your face. That's right, over 100 feet. If you stare in fear at roller coasters, or the thought of bungee jumping keeps you up at night, walk the other way.
For the duration of the dinner, you'll razzle and dazzle brave patrons with food, drinks, and your personality. You better take a bathroom break beforehand or prepare to hold it, though. Once you're flying high, the only option to use the toilet is to go back down, and you certainly don't want Yelp reviews to read, "Our dinner was interrupted because the chef had to pee. One star."
Live the Middle Ages life you've always dreamed of
There's a little part of us all that wants to live the adventurously dangerous life of a knight in shining armor during the Middle Ages. Or maybe we'd prefer to be a king, holding elegant banquets while our every request is delivered at our beck and call. Unfortunately, without a time machine, you'll never experience living a life of Middle Age nobility, but you do have the chance to offer it to others through an immersive dining atmosphere at the Bors Hede Inne.
If you're a cook, you work with authentic 14th-century recipes to deliver a potpourri of flavors enjoyed by kings and queens. Forget all that artificial flavoring and saturated fat. Cooks during the Middle Ages knew nothing of the gloriously unhealthy ingredients coating our entrees and pumped into our desserts, and here, neither do you.
If you're not cooking up kitchen cuisine, you're decked out in authentic Middle Ages garb, catering to guests' every need while also educating them about the Middle Ages lifestyle. To create an authentic environment, however, you better stay in character at all times, which means leaving those smartphones behind. When you're a bored employee around these parts, ditch the Candy Crush and churn some butter instead.
If you're a flirt, look no further
If the idea of sporting a pinafore, tiny petticoat, and delicately placed bow while giggling shyly at customers and occasionally referring to them as "master" doesn't float your boat, skip out on this job application. However, if you've ever felt the desire to do all that at a Japanese "maid cafe," you don't need to save up money and relocate to Japan. New York City has one of its own, and if you're an Asian female who young men swoon over, you're in the right place.
You don't have to be a Manga-reading cosplay enthusiast to fit in at the Maid 4U Cafe (although it couldn't hurt). Just have a penchant for pleasing the customer (in a PG way only), and you'll likely soar with the clientele who are typically young males. Sure, you might be cute, but when you're on the clock here, you better up the ante tenfold to keep the otaku (Japanese term for "nerds") happily gawking and shelling out money for as long as possible.
You'll learn the Ten Commandments of a maid cafe, which essentially protect you from creepy customers vying for a phone number or email address. Over time, you're sure to pick up a near encyclopedic knowledge of anime from chatty customers (those otaku, amirite?). Maid cafes may not be all the rage in the states just yet, but with your adorable expertise, they might find a home sooner than later.
You better have a gotta dance attitude to apply
As trendy as new technology is, some people forever crave that classic retro vibe. Whether it's fashion, cars, or even video games (we all remember slaying Bowser with a nimble 8-bit Mario), the retro life always holds a nostalgic spot in our hearts. So, why not step back in time and give our appetites a retro twist, as well? When you find yourself donning a paper hat and slingin' food at Johnny Rockets, you can.
Now, not just any old schlub who enjoys burgers and fries can mosey in, speak with a hiring manager, and land a job. Johnny Rockets is all about the retro experience of eating in a classic 1950's diner, and as a server you must exhibit a "gotta dance attitude." Not only will you memorize the lyrics of every classic song pumped throughout the restaurant, but a choreographer works with you to learn the coordinating dance moves, so patrons are given a fun occasional break from stuffing their faces.
You might find yourself playfully twirling straws to the tune of "The Locomotion" or belting out the lyrics to "Splish Splash" into a ketchup bottle. There are no amount of moves too dazzling or mannerisms too cheesy here. It's all about that authentic customer service. Retro style, of course.
Live the life of your favorite Disney character
The realm of Disney includes so many iconic characters it's nearly impossible to pick a favorite. Each one has sung, danced, or joked their way into our hearts and minds, and we can forever thank Walt Disney for it. But, if you're a true Disney-phile, don't just allow your favorite character to exist in a memory bank. Instead, proudly don their costume, learn their personality traits, and embody your childhood hero in the happiest place on Earth.
If you want to rock the costume of an all-time classic character, such as Mickey, Minnie, Donald Duck, Pluto, or Goofy, Chef Mickey's Fun Time Buffet is your start and end point. However, simply wearing one of the giant-headed costumes is the least of your concerns. Parents bring ecstatic children to Disney for an immersive, memorable, and, ultimately, magical experience, so remember that when the discomfort of your oversized attire starts weighing on you (literally).
Before your employer allows you to mingle with the young (and older) customers at the buffet, hours of training are in order. And, once you finally nail those signature moves, ready yourself for some serious autograph-signing lessons. Just make sure you sign the exact same signature over and over, because after all, you are the character. No one wants to admit the person underneath that cheery mascot head is a sweaty, tired, and overworked hourly employee. It's the happiest place on Earth, after all.
Look good all the time. Or else.
Ah, Hooters. The place where busts are big, Buffalo wing orders are bigger, and the name alone makes some people blush (maybe choose somewhere more conservative to celebrate Grandma's next birthday). So, you want to give this place a shot and see if you meet all their absurdly stringent criteria, huh? Well, good luck, because working here can often seem like more pain than pleasure.
Hooters doesn't hide the fact it prides itself on hiring an attractive staff. But how attractive do you actually need to be? For one thing, they turn away any applicant weighing over 150 pounds. If your flowing curves and thick thighs are a source of pride (and they damn well should be), Hooters gives a hard pass. Gross, right? Well, that doesn't even scratch the surface.
You'd better: Have you nails done (French manicures only). Wear no jewelry (wedding rings excluded). Have you hair done (no ponytails). Wear a full face of makeup. Wear sneakers and scrunched socks at all times. Rock suntan-colored pantyhose (which you'll buy). Never wear your uniform outside of work (grounds for immediate termination). Get ready to flirt (c'mon, you expected that one).
That's not all of them, but you get the idea. Basically, to earn a coveted spot as an "entertainer" here, you better follow rules to a T. After all, why work here if you're not gonna give a hoot?