The Dos And Don'ts Of Getting A Server's Attention

Eating out. It's supposed to be fun, y'all! Why do some people make it look really hard? If you've ever been out with someone who has a knack for irritating servers, you've probably picked up on a few blatant dos and don'ts when it comes to summoning their services. I have worked as a bartender for 15 years, in small-town restaurants, local golf courses, and upscale eateries in New York City, New Orleans, and San Diego. What I can assure you is this: To have a truly enjoyable dining experience, you need to possess as much observational prowess as your server (a good attitude goes a long way, too!). Ultimately, what you should and shouldn't do to get your server's attention boils down to how you communicate.

In order to have effective communication with your server, there are a few skills you need to master. You must know how to be preemptive, understand the art of inquisitive eye contact, and the conveyance of a stuffy little wave of the finger. You must be present, know when to choose your moment, and most importantly, always stay cool, man. These are key principles to dining out like a pro and getting the kind of response and attention you want from your server. Plus, you'll look like the smoothest person in the restaurant.

There are a myriad of behaviors that may bug a server. We're all different people with varied expectations, preferences, and ways of moving through the world. Some servers love a super chatty table while, others would prefer to get cracking on the million things they have to do in the next five minutes. My personal pet peeve is when people walk up to the bar and immediately start reciting their order (Hi, hello, am I a person or a kiosk?). One commonality all us servers seem to share is that if you snap your fingers at us, we don't like ya. 

You've probably heard this before, but snapping is one of the customer habits that servers hate the most. Why? It can often feel degrading — as does clapping, shouting, whistling, or any of the other sounds you would make to get your dog's attention. Instead, you might try something a little more subtle, like you (hopefully) would at the office or in any social situation that mattered to you. Combat the urge to snap with a look, or a small raise of the hand (more on this later). 

We get it! Some people are how they are and don't mean anything by it. Still, the consensus among servers is that these gestures come across as pushy and domineering, as if you believe the person serving you food is actually subservient to you. So, if your way of being involves snapping when you have a question, odds are your server won't take too kindly to your table.

In the age of instant gratification, having to wait has begun to feel like a personal attack to some folks. It may be an unfortunate symptom of our technologically advanced world, but in organic,  unpredictable environments like a restaurant, it just doesn't work. There are so many moving parts — other people eating, drinking, paying, and wanting something at the same time as you. That's why it's important to know how to choose your moment and, when necessary, wait your turn.

If someone on the waitstaff is running by with an armful of plates, it probably isn't the best time for them to take a request (being demanding is one of the biggest things your server wants you to stop doing). Truth be told, yelling out requests as a busy server runs by is sort of a crap shoot. Maybe they'll remember if they have the brain capacity at that moment, but if they're in the weeds, you might have to ask again. Assess the situation and recognize that the server likely has a better idea of the order in which diners need to be addressed. If someone says they will be right with you, it's because someone else has probably been waiting longer than you. 

That said, servers should be communicative. Letting customers know, "I have to grab that table's drinks, drop off this food, and then I'll be right over to take your order," can go a long way in buying a party's grace and patience. 

It may seem silly to recommend eye contact as the best way to get your server's attention, especially when you're sitting in a loud and busy restaurant. Make no mistake, a good server is adept at keeping tabs on their surroundings. Multi-tasking, taking stock, being in five places at once — it's all part of the job. In free moments, our heads stay on the swivel, looking for signs that a guest is wanting for something. Therefore, it shouldn't take long for your server to feel your eyes on them. Once eye contact is made, you likely don't need to do more. Most servers will start heading in your direction to check on you. If that's not the case, a small short wave of the hand or finger can work.

Here's a little pro tip: many servers share a secret form of communication between one another while in the presence of diners, expressed via jargonistic speech, body language, and knowing glances. It's one of those if-you-know-you-know sort of things. There is, however, one non-verbal signal servers often expect diners to know, but perhaps they don't. If we seem like we're intentionally not making eye contact with you in a specific moment, it's probably because we are in the middle of doing something for someone else and are unavailable to take a request. This is where waiting your turn comes in. We promise we want you to be happy — we make more money that way, after all — but we've got other tables, too!

Okay, this one can be a little tricky, so I'll start with the recounting of a personal tale. It was a Saturday afternoon. I was working at one of the most happening craft cocktail bars on New Orleans' busy Magazine Street. There I stood, shaking a whiskey sour in one hand and stirring a martini with the other, while taking the order of the person who had just nabbed the only open bar stool. That's when an older woman (with a drink still cold and half-full) reached across the bar and waved her credit card an inch from my nose to indicate that she wanted to close her tab. Does this sound as tactless to you as it did to the rest of the bar guests who watched, mouths agape? 

As rude as it was, I genuinely don't believe she was trying to be disrespectful. She was just completely unaware. For others who might be temporarily disconnected from their surroundings: When you're eager to get your server's attention, we do appreciate it when you spare us the theatrics. Please don't rattle your empty glass of ice at us as we walk by. It's one of those customer traits that makes waitstaff cringe. An "excuse me" followed by a request for a refill would be totally appropriate. When you're a guest, we are, quite literally, looking for ways to serve you. If there's a moment when we aren't looking at you, don't worry, we will again, soon!

When we go out to eat, we have a general idea of how it's going to go in our head, don't we? We may have expectations for the food, the amount of time we'll be there, and the service we'll receive. When things don't go according to plan, it can cause some distress. Disillusionment sucks, I'm with you, but you still can't be mean to your server. 

We've all had crappy service before: the gal with an unfriendly attitude, the dude who didn't bring silverware 20 minutes after your food was delivered. These are good reasons to get frustrated with your server. Ultimately, it's important to remember that servers are human beings. Every day at work can't be your best day. Servers are going to make mistakes, but it doesn't always mean they don't care. It might mean they're off their game that day. Off-days are certainly not encouraged, but this reality should be understandable enough that you, as a diner, don't feel the need to resort to impolite behaviors. Eye rolling, shouting, or swearing at a server will not improve the situation.

It's also worth noting, that while your server is your touchstone for the dinging experience, they often have very limited control over how or when your food and cocktails come out. Servers, cooks, bartenders, hosts, management, other diners — everyone in the restaurant has the power to do something that changes the entire flow of service for everyone. That's why we call it a flow; sometimes you've got to go with it.