Sonic Drive-In Milkshakes, Ranked Worst To First

What's the best milkshake at Sonic Drive-In? It's a daunting question that only the strong of stomach and low of cholesterol can answer. And so it was we set out to determine this great mystery on a recent, sweltering winter weekday at a Sonic Drive-In in Boynton Beach, Florida. "We'd like one of every milkshake on your menu," we said into the massive screen next to the car window. "Ohhh lord, you gotta be kidding me," a laughing voice on the other end said. "All my years at Sonic, I've never seen this one. Milkshakes, get ready. We got a BIG order."

But Dale Allen, the voice in the big red box, assured us that, "Whatever you want, we can do. I work for you, not for Sonic." Over the next hour and change we raced the blazing sun as it attempted to melt our shakes, as Allen and his team brought shake after shake with smiles and plenty of napkins. By the end, we may have given ourselves diabetes, but it was for a valiant cause (and the Sonic staff's entertainment). And so we present to you our rankings for all the milkshakes listed on Sonic's menu.

While it escaped the basement by having some semblance of flavor, the "chocolate" notes — if you can call them that — in Sonic's chocolate shake aren't a flavor you'll be chasing after. The shake is cold but still somewhat thin, even before being exposed to the humid Florida air. And the first sip will make you pull your head back and rhetorically ask the glowing screen, "Is this even chocolate??"

The shake is neither fudgy, like Nestle's Quik, nor slightly bitter like dark chocolate. It's not creamy like a milk chocolate or deep and rich like a mousse or chocolate cake. It can best be described as frozen Ovaltine, a flavor that has chocolate aspirations but didn't quite have enough to make it all the way. If you're looking for a chocolate shake, try stuff further down the menu like the hot fudge or Oreo options. Or if you want a pure chocolate shake, just go somewhere different.

An espresso milkshake sounds suspiciously like a Frappuccino, if you're a Starbucks regular. But much like the Starbucks blended drink is really a cup of coffee with milkshake tendencies, so is Sonic's espresso offering a milkshake which leans towards coffee. The flavor is more cream and sugar than anything else, and if you're jonesing for a milky, frozen coffee you'll save about 200 calories rolling through the Starbucks drive-thru instead: A Frappuccino with whipped cream is only about 220 calories. A mini shake at Sonic starts at 420 calories and goes up from there.

The shake is thick, though, and has a pronounced coffee flavor, so nothing about the name is misleading. That said, it's an odd profile to pair with chicken strips, seasoned fries, and hamburgers, so it may be the kind of thing that's best ordered solo. There's nothing wrong with Sonic's espresso shake, really, but nothing overwhelmingly right about it either. If coffee flavor is your thing, go for it. But if you just want a milkshake, there's better stuff on the menu.

If one shake on Sonic's menu is teeming with Proustian moments, it's the hot fudge. Because before anything else from this milkshake hits your taste buds, you taste the hot fudge. And as the fudge flows over your tongue you're immediately taken back to summertime state fairs of your childhood, or long holiday weekends out at the lake. It's like Sonic ripped this shake right from the soft serve ice cream stand on the boardwalk, where you covered your face in chocolate after crushing a hand-dipped cone with no regard for the mess.

But like Happy Meals and Saturday morning cartoons, revisiting this milkshake as an adult makes you realize it was actually kinda bland. At least, Sonic's take on it is, and after you're done being transported back to the boardwalk you'll realize once the fudge wears off you're left with little more than a memory. So despite the smile it'll undoubtedly bring to your face, the hot fudge shake still ranks low. Your grown up palette will likely demand more, and you'll find better options elsewhere on Sonic's milkshake menu.

You may want to warm up your sucking muscles before attempting to inhale Sonic's banana shake through a straw. This stuff is thiccccc, with about five Cs, and won't shoot up your straw without a lot of pressure. This is a good thing, though, as most of that thickness comes from the real bananas Sonic uses in making the thing. It's also ripe with ice cream and sugar, and creates a milkshake with a serious presence.

Don't get your hopes up too much though; this isn't exactly Bluth's with a drive-in. The bananas are still quite frozen, and don't taste even remotely fresh. But they do add just enough banana flavor to make the shake taste like a refreshing summer day at the beach. It's smooth and easy, and though the flavor dissipates pretty quickly after your first sip, it also doesn't overpower your mouth. So it's a good choice to pair with a burger and fries, or whatever your go-to order is at Sonic. Just take our advice and eat this one with a spoon. Or prepare to be inexplicably winded just sitting in your car.

Sometimes it is better to leave well enough alone, and that is definitely the case with Sonic's selection of strawberry milkshakes. Scroll further down the list and you'll see the original strawberry shake ranked a few spots higher than its cheesecake upgrade, and the reason for this is simple: The cheesecakey richness is just a little ... extra. That's not to say this shake isn't delicious, the whole-strawberry flavor combined with the creaminess of the cheesecake makes for a complex, rich dessert. But when adding it to Sonic's already artery clogging menu of food, it's just a little more than your body wants to handle.

It is, in effect, a thicker, richer take on Sonic's strawberry shake, and the strawberry cheesecake may be a wiser play if you're ordering it solo. Or have a hankering for something sweet after a fairly light dinner. The flavor profile and design are nicely executed, and is better enjoyed on an empty stomach.

At first sip, Sonic's strawberry shake reminds you of an after school glass of Strawberry Quik. But this milkshake is far more mature, and after the initial creamy blast of almost artificial strawberry flavor you get a solid jolt of fruit in your mouth. To the point, you may well pull your mouth away, look down, and say, "What is that in my straw?"

Don't worry, Sonic is a clean establishment, and the dark blockage in your straw is actually a whole piece of strawberry. It's a welcomed natural addition to a shake that could otherwise taste completely manufactured, and the blended fruit gives the shake a fresh texture, even if the strawberries are frozen. Sonic's strawberry shake flavoring isn't overpowering, but the hints of real strawberry are enough so you know what you're drinking. While not the best shake on this list, it's also a shake that's surprisingly better than the strawberry shakes you might find in other establishments.

Oreo Cheesecake is just as decadent, rich, and delicious as the name suggests. Yes, there are enough calories in a large one to fuel a junior high track team, but if you're gonna splurge on one Sonic menu item, this is absolutely it. Or, if you'd like to eat something else that day, opt for the mini size. Either way, nothing about Sonic's Oreo Cheesecake milkshake will let you down. It is, effectively, the Rick Astley of milkshakes.

The cheesecake flavor here slaps, filling your mouth and your brain with an ecstasy usually reserved for tantric encounters and big room beat drops. Once that wave subsides, a hint of Oreo creeps in on the back end, reminding you the party in your mouth isn't over until Sonic says it is. Once that's passed, there's an inexplicable caramel finish, that may be by design, or may just be your over-stimulated brain playing tricks on you. Either way, Sonic hit it out of the park with this one. Just make sure you take a couple minutes after finishing to compose yourself before driving home.