Postmates' Bizarre Cookbook Has No Recipes
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Although you can get just about any recipe you want off the internet, there's still something about an actual cookbook. It's fun to sit down and go through these from cover to cover, imagining your way through course after course. What's even more fun, though, are those cookbooks that are kind off of the beaten path: old cookbooks from the inedible era (here's looking at you, Jell-O salad); cookbooks by celebrities not exactly known for their foodie credentials (shout-outs to Snoop Dogg and the late Liz Taylor); cookbooks built around books, movies, and TV shows such as Friends; and those sometimes questionable cookbooks meant to showcase a single product, such as Cheetos or Mountain Dew.
Oddest of all are the cookbooks that don't contain actual recipes — and yes, these do exist. The 1970s underground classic "Anarchist's Cookbook," somehow still in print after 50 years, is more of a how-to guide for DIY explosives, weapons, and drugs (via NPR). (DON'T try these at home, kids.) The mid-2000s brought us "The Takeout Cookbook" containing, as one Amazon reviewer put it, just a single "truly, um, interesting recipe" (via Amazon). (Spoiler alert: It was for the tasty 19th-century classic "sheep's feet in white sauce.") The latest entrant to this rather exclusive club of so-called cookbooks is brought to us by food-delivery service Postmates. Its title: "Don't Cookbook."
Postmates' Don't Cookbook wants you to do just that
Postmates' "Don't Cookbook" has more than 200 un-recipes, each one consisting of artwork featuring the named food, usually in some kind of quirky setting: a cowboy-suited kid riding a taco, a poke bowl with a brachiosaurus, chicken wings flying through the sky. The recipes are, shall we say, less than helpful. The taco recipe calls for "Yee, Haw, Taco, Ride, and Smooth." Good luck picking those up at your local Kroger. The directions are even more fun, as these are more likely to resemble some sort of food-related Zen koan: "1) The key to riding an angry taco is to wear a really big hat. 2) The bigger your hat, the easier to balance. 3) The easier to balance, the smoother the ride. 4) The smoother the ride, the less taco stuff that gets jangled loose and scattered all over your boots and the ground. 5) Order tacos."
There's also a downright apocalyptic chicken wing recipe. The ingredients list is an ominous chant: "Chicken Drum, Chicken Drum, Chicken Drum, Dip," while the directions read like minimalist-poetry-meets-end-times-prophecy: "1) Giant wings careen toward the most delicious dip of all. 2) It's either a scrumptious snack or the end of humanity, depending on which end of the wing you're on. 3) Order chicken wings."
Postmates' Don't Cookbook is a marketing stunt, of course
Yes, every recipe in Postmates' "Don't Cookbook" ends with "Order [name of food]." Not only that but there's a QR code to access that item through your local Postmates. The real surprise, however, is that the "Don't Cookbook," priced at $50, actually sold out (via HypeBeast). Despite alleged customer comments including, "This 'Don't Cookbook' made me want to not cook again and again," and "This 'Don't Cookbook' should be required reading for anyone who's ever washed a dish. You know you never want to do that again, now prove it," we suspect the book was snapped up by people who can afford $50 gag gifts ... or Postmates delivery fees. (Perhaps Seth Rogen picked up a few copies.)
If you still want to get your hands on a copy, you can put your name on the waiting list for a second print run. As an alternative, you could check out Postmates' Instagram, where they've posted a number of pics from the cookbook. Okay, so you miss out on the poetry, but you do get to read the always-entertaining comment threads. They consist mostly of customers who were dissatisfied with the Postmates experience. Plus, the money you save might be almost enough to get a burger, fries, and a small soda from Postmates. Or you could always buy a real cookbook and have enough change to buy groceries for more than a few meals.