The Gordon Ramsay Insult That Describes You Based On Your Zodiac Sign
According to Time, the zodiac was first created around 1500 B.C. by the Babylonians, but the concept that the stars and planets could affect human behavior took off in 330 B.C. when Alexander the Great conquered Egypt, where astrology was all the rage. The Greeks reconfigured the Babylonians' chart into the zodiac we know today. The International Society for Astrological Research (ISAR) claims there's evidence that Alexander got hooked on astrology when an astrologer told him he'd die in Babylon. Alex kept watch on his planetary positions until his less-than-heroic death — yep, in Babylon — by gluttony and alcoholism in 323 B.C. (via Britannica).
Since then, the zodiac has been consulted for everything from cocktails to pizza toppings. Surprisingly, one expert in the field who's been egregiously ignored is Gordon Ramsay, the fire-breathing gorgon — uh, celebrity chef of "Hell's Kitchen," "Kitchen Nightmares," and "Master Chef." Ramsay is famously known for spitting out expletive-laden take-downs of chef-testants who, more often than not, deserve it. Ramsay's insults, however, have been grossly misinterpreted, until now. We've pored through his pithiest bon mots and discovered 12 that perfectly align with the attributes of each zodiac sign. Curious to know which Ramsay insult matches up with your sign? Scroll down, dear reader.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
"You've had a migraine? I've had one ever since you walked in here."
Aries are people-movers. They drive fellow workers to follow a vision that only he/she can see. Often, though, an Aries gets all hung up on the intricacies of their plan, which they regard as roadblocks to their goal. But they tend to forge ahead anyway, even if it means going solo. Unfortunately, this need to succeed can be debilitating, and since this sign is associated with the head, Aries are prone to getting the sickest headaches. As an Aries, you can be unaware that your compulsion can also be a pain in the head, the neck, and elsewhere for everyone around you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
"You're not a quitter. You're not a f***ing cook either."
Taureans indulge in pleasures. They enjoy sipping a fruit-forward cocktail in a bubble bath while listening to whale songs. Taurus is associated with the neck, so it's natural for them to crave a sensuous massage. If a masseur/masseuse isn't available, Taurus is okay with anyone at hand. Taureans will save their first dollar — and will do anything to make a buck. This fixation is often interpreted as unyielding. Catherine the Great was a Taurus, and she ruled Russia with regal rigidity. Catherine never quit, but she couldn't cook either. Ramsay obviously sees the Catherine the Great in you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
"This is a really tough decision because you're both crap."
Geminis love to giggle and will always find a way to make a joke about life's downturns, like overcooking a chicken breast to the texture of camel dung. Geminis like to gab and will yak at anyone within hearing distance. They're skilled at juggling many plates, and aren't the least bit embarrassed when one crashes to the floor. Geminis simply move on, which some people think is adorable — but others, like Ramsay, not so much. The sign of Gemini is, of course, the twins, and Ramsay helpfully points out that your dual reality upsets the delicate balance of his kitchen.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
"Look at the filet! We've f***ing wasted the most expensive part! Look at it! What are you gonna do, get Daddy to buy you a new one?"
Like its representative crustacean, a Cancer has a rock-hard (especially if you're a stone-crab Cancer) shell that most people find too impenetrable to bother taking the time to crack. But once the sledgehammer breaks the shell apart, the Cancer's soft underbelly is revealed. Cancers have a mushy emotional core and are endlessly devoted to those they love. As a Cancer, you're especially close with your parents, particularly your father, who Ramsay is confident would buy you a whole side of beef if you asked nicely.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
"You're not really a chef, are you? Just a showgirl with a big feather coming out of your a**."
With the sun as their ruling planet, Leos believe they're the center of the universe. Leos are a miasma of passion, and are the most likely to throw themselves into a lurid romance with a lesser celebrity that winds up on TMZ. Leos love rich, cholesterol-clogging food, like foie gras sandwiches and caviar nachos, chugged down with the best champagne money can buy. The lavish dinners you throw are always catered, since your oven is just a place for storing all your unused pots and pans. Ramsay sees your star quality and equates your true talents with another famous Leo, Mae West.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
"Hey, panini head, you're gonna kill someone."
Virgos have a reputation that's hard to disprove as exaggerated. A Virgo is detail-oriented and obsessively perfectionist. You might be thinking that Virgos are softies at heart. Sadly, nope. Mr. Spock was more emotional. However, Virgos are deeply intuitive and can see the devil in the details to devise a solution for an unworkable problem. In fact, Virgos are so good at problem-solving, co-workers either get out of their way or die. The sign of Virgo is a maiden often associated with wheat and bread, and Ramsay's affectionate nickname for you reveals his deep knowledge of astrology.
Libra (September 23 - October 23)
"This salad is so undressed, it makes Paris Hilton look classy."
Libras are all about balance. Like tightrope-walkers, they maintain perfect equilibrium in guiding warring partners to peace. Libras only see the "we" in any situation and strive to make everyone best friends, even dogs and squirrels. Venus is the ruling planet for Libras, which means you crave love, beauty, and gorgeous little baubles, like diamond bracelets and titanium-plated Teslas. As a Libra, you bring your balancing skill to the kitchen too. For you, the unadorned is beautiful. Ramsay recognizes your exquisite taste by considering a couple of nude lettuce leaves artfully dumped on a plate as worthy of the Louvre.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)
"My gran could do better. And she's dead."
As a fellow Scorpio, Chef Ramsay knows a thing or two about you. Scorpios are control freaks like Virgos, but they're less obvious about it. People are irresistibly attracted to Scorpios, not just in the sexual sense (although that's pretty much the case), but also for their magnetic personalities. Non-Scorpios are bewitched to believe that Scorpios are their BFFs. Little do these poor souls suspect that Scorpio is secretly plotting their downfall. The coolest thing about Scorpios is that they're psychic and can see dead people. Ramsay is keenly aware that you see his dead grandmother standing beside you, and encourages you to ask her to rescue your risotto.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
"This is you ... Running around like a f***ing baby rhinoceros trying to have a s**t."
Sagittarius is a fascinating fusion of "curiosity killed the cat" and "where the wild things are." Represented by the archer, Sagittarians aim their arrows wherever their heart desires, which makes them a bit frustrating to pin down. They roam as they like, freewheeling through life. Sagittarians want to have it all, so they tend to ping-pong around until they find whatever it is they think they don't have. You, Sagittarius, are always charging ahead, plowing down anyone in your way, which creates an unhappy work environment. Ramsay is just telling you to stay put, so nobody will cry anymore.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
"Don't stare at me ... You're spooking me. She stares at me like out of the f***ing 'Shining.'"
A Capricorn sees life unspooling like an epic drama in which he/she is the lead actor, writer, director, producer, and crew rolled into one. Capricorns persevere when times get tough, and turn things around with a big finish and a happy ending. They are relentless heroes, even when the situation doesn't call for one. As a Capricorn, you can be unaware that your desire to save the day frightens some people, especially when you rip through a door with a fire ax. Who knew that your fixed gaze could scare the living daylights out of Ramsay?
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
"Maybe you shouldn't have quit your f***ing day job so early."
The water bearer symbolizes the Aquarius desire to keep ideas and emotions free-flowing. The Aquarian uses empathy and patience to unclog a relationship mired in bruised egos. Not everybody appreciates the Goody Two Shoes approach, but Aquarians can't stop themselves. They are so relentless to change the world, they often lose sight of the fact that most people would rather eat stinky cheese than change. Aquarians are addicted to change and switch jobs at the drop of a toque. Ramsay just wants you to focus on one job and cook an edible Beef Wellington. Is that asking too much, Aquarius?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
"You f***ing donut. Of course you don't put salad in the microwave."
The symbol for Pisces is the fish, but Pisces is also associated with feet, which proves that early astrologers got pretty lazy in assigning attributes to this last sign of the zodiac. Pisceans dart between the dark shoals of life and emerge compassionate and care-free. Pisceans bob around in the fantastical undersea world of their imagination and are oblivious to the simple rules we landlubbers follow everyday. Ramsay is throwing you a life preserver here. Grab the "donut," Pisces, and swim away, before the arugula explodes in your face.